Hopeful Writer & the Unsolicited Manuscript (Part 1)

So, what's it like to be a writer in the vast trackless sea of the publishing world, searching for the right house for your book? Well, sometimes it feels like this:

Hopeful Writer & the Unsolicited Manuscript

by Howard Shirley

(With apologies to Monty Python)

CAST
The Knights of the Library Study Table:
HOPEFUL WRITER (HW)
EAGER ILLUSTRATOR (EI)
NUMBED FINGERS (NF)
SINCERELY the SUBMITTED (SS)
REPETE the REJECTED (RR)
EMBARRASSED TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS IDEA

Others:
THE ASSISTANT JUNIOR AGENT’S ASSISTANT (AJAA)
THE ASSISTANT ASSOCIATE EDITORIAL ASSISTANT (AAEA)
THE ASSOCIATE ASSISTANT EDITORIAL ASSOCIATE (AAEA 2)


SCENE 1:
Exterior. A fog bound plain. Indistinct shapes move about in the fog.


MUSIC: Eerie music.

TITLE: Mercia. 955 A.D. 8:55 A.M.

Two shapes bump into each other.

SHAPE 1 (HW): Oops. Sorry.

SHAPE 2 (RR): It’s okay. Is this the coffee room?

SHAPE 1: I don’t know. I was looking for the registration desk.

SHAPE 2 (gesturing vaguely): Oh, that’s over there. Better hurry; the keynote’s about to start.

SHAPE 1: Thanks! (wanders off.)

SHAPE 2: Didn’t anybody make any freakin’ coffee? What kind of conference is this?

Camera moves away, following SHAPE 1. The fog begins to clear, revealing a low table set on a barren hillside. On the table is a sign that reads: “SCBWI-Mercia Conference Registration” in gothic calligraphy.
NUMBED FINGERS sits at the table next to SINCERELY the SUBMITTED. We now see that SHAPE 1 is HOPEFUL WRITER.

HOPEFUL WRITER: Registration?

NUMBED FINGERS: You’re late. Registration is closed.

HW: That’s okay. I’m pre-registered. Hopeful Writer. That’s with a “W.”

NF (flipping through pocket folders): You’re still late.

HW: I was delayed at the airport.

NF (looking around): The airport? In Mercia?

SS (looking over): He could have taken a shuttle from Wessex.

NF: Do you have any idea how expensive that is? No writer could afford that.

SS: Yes, but the hotels sometimes offer free shuttle service.

NF: No! I had to thumb a ride with Repete the Rejected. I could have ridden in a shuttle for free?

SS: Well, it depends, of course, but...

HW: Could I have my packet, please?

NF: Sure. Whatever. (Picks up a packet and tosses it to HW.) Tell me more about this shuttle...

HW shrugs and walks off. Fade to black.

Dramatic Music.

TITLE CREDITS: The Knights of the Library Study Table proudly present:

SUBTITLE: Subtitle Missing.

SUB SUBTITLE: “Uhm... where are the subtitles?”

TITLE: Hopeful Writer and the Unsolicited Manuscript.

SUBTITLE: Still Missing.

SUB SUBTITLE: “That was Embarrassed’s job.”

TITLE: Starring

SUBTITLE: Missing, missing, missing.

SUB SUBTITLE: “You gave that job to Embarrassed?”

Fade in dramatic sepia-toned still shot of Hopeful Writer.

TITLE: Hopeful Writer

SUBTITLE: Nope. Still got nothing.

SUB SUBTITLE: “The poor woman’s swamped!”

Fade to Eager Illustrator.

TITLE: Eager Illustrator

SUBTITLE: Zilch. Nada.

SUB SUBTITLE: “ She’s got home schooling, volunteer commitments, and a three-year-old!”

Fade to Numbed Fingers.

TITLE: Numbed Fingers

SUBTITLE: Hello? Remember me? Anyone?

SUB SUBTITLE: “But she’s really good.”

Fade to Sincerely the Submitted

TITLE: Sincerely the Submitted

SUBTITLE: I’m waiting...

SUB SUBTITLE: “I thought it would be a confidence booster.”

Fade to Repete the Rejected.

TITLE: Repete the Rejected

SUBTITLE: Look, if you’re not gonna use me, why even put me up here? Geez-a-rama, can’t you get anything together? What, I’m just supposed to blah, blah, blah, till the whole screen is filled up? I could do that, but who has time to read it all? Get an editor, for the love o’ Pete!

SUB SUBTITLE: “Oh, yeah, right. ‘Embarrassed, there’s so much you have to do already that I’ve given you another assignment.”

Fade to black.

TITLE: And

SUBTITLE: Oh, just forget it.

SUB SUB TITLE: “Sorry. I meant well.”

Fade to blank space, same size as other still shots, but empty.

TITLE: Embarrassed to Be Associate with This Idea

SUBTITLE: I mean it. I’m gone.

SUB SUBTITLE:“Look, rather than redo the whole thing, let’s just end the credits and get on with the movie.”

BLACKOUT. Soundtrack comes to scratchy halt.

(Beat. Beat. Beat.)

SUB SUBTITLE: “I said, ‘get on with the movie!’”

MUSIC: Soundtrack swells up again as we go to:

SCENE: Exterior. Day. Grassy field. HOPEFUL WRITER, EAGER ILLUSTRATOR, NUMBED FINGERS, SINCERELY the SUBMITTED and REPETE the REJECTED are walking across the field together.

SS: That was the strangest keynote address I’ve ever been to.

EI: The Power Point presentation was nice.

NF: Yeah, I suppose, but what was the point of all the subtitles? They didn’t make any sense.

RR: I think it was an inside joke.

NF: Yeah, well, they could have let us in on it.

HW (looking in his packet): What does everybody else have next? I’ve got the agent.

SS: Me too.

NF: Same here.

EI: Writer’s Market says the agency reps artists too, so I signed up for it.

RR: Agent.

HW: Wait. Nobody signed up for Alan’s writer’s workshop?

ALL: (Murmurs of “no,” etc.)

NF: Oo, he’s gonna feel really bad.

RR: Naw. It’ll be just like a book signing.

ALL: (Murmurs of experienced agreement.)

TO BE CONTINUED...